Belonging Comes Before Achievement

Towards the start of my teaching career, I had a student that I was constantly butting heads with. He challenged every direction I gave. He questioned everything. We seemed to spend more time frustrating each other than actually learning.

One afternoon, I realized that nothing I was doing was working. So, I decided to stop trying to fix the situation and start trying to understand it.

"Hey bud," I said. "It feels like we're driving each other bananas. What's going on? How can I help?"

Without missing a beat, he replied: "You could be a better teacher."

Ouch. After I got over my bruised ego, I realized something important. He wasn't wrong. I was a good teacher. But I wasn't the teacher he needed. At least not yet.

What followed was a year of learning how to better understand him, support him, and help him succeed. We had daily check-ins where I got to know him better. We experimented with movement breaks to decide if they were best before, during, or after class. We tried whittling during class and discovered that keeping his hands busy helped him stay regulated. I discovered he was bored out of his mind, so I found fun ways to push and challenge him. We tried new routines and new approaches. Some ideas worked beautifully. Others failed spectacularly.

But the thing that made the biggest difference wasn't any of those strategies.

It was the relationship. Before he was willing to listen to a word I said, he needed to know I was on his team. Before he was willing to learn from me, he needed to feel known by me. Before he could thrive, he needed to feel like he belonged.

I sometimes wonder how many challenging behaviors are really children searching for belonging. How many children are trying to impress everyone around them because they aren't yet convinced they are enough just being themselves?

That was the year I learned to check my ego at the door. It was also the year I realized we don't want to change our learners into someone else. We want to help them become more fully themselves.

This particular student wasn't unique. Over the years I've worked with hundreds of children, and I continue to see the same pattern. Before children are willing to take risks, ask questions, persevere through challenges, or trust us with their learning, they need to feel like they belong. Belonging at school isn't a bonus. It's part of the foundation everything else is built upon.

When we don't feel like we belong, we spend enormous energy protecting ourselves. We might stay quiet. We avoid risks. Or maybe we take big risks hoping to attract notice. We worry about what others think. We become focused on survival. Children are no different. A child who feels disconnected often struggles to fully engage in learning because their energy is being spent somewhere else.

But when children feel safe, known, and valued, something changes. They ask questions. They try difficult things. They recover from mistakes. They collaborate. They become more willing to stretch themselves. I continue to wonder if belonging might be one of the most overlooked ingredients in helping children thrive.

The Adults Matter

Guess where this all starts in a classroom? It starts with the adults. It starts when a child walks into a room and someone is genuinely happy to see them. It starts when an adult notices they're having a hard day. It starts when someone remembers that their dog is sick, asks how their soccer game went, or notices that they seem quieter than usual. It starts when a child realizes: "There is a place for me here."

As parent, the most important thing is that my child is known and valued for who they are. I want to know: Do they feel seen? Do they feel valued? Do they know that who they are matters? Because when those things are true, so many other things become possible.

At GAP we spend the first six weeks leaning into building relationships with our learners. We know that taking the time at the start of the school year is one of the most important steps. We want our learners to feel truly known, like they can be themselves, and that they matter. By discovering the different ways our learners think, problem solve, question, create, and play we're unlocking the best ways to work with them when they're feeling challenged, need support, or are in conflict. It turns out that getting to know a child is often more effective than trying to manage them.

The Real Goal

Every fall I watch nervous kindergarteners climb out of their car carrying backpacks as big as they are. By spring they're asking big questions, leading discussions, and telling us exactly how they think we should run theirs s school. They know without a doubt that they are an important part of our GAP community, they are valued, known, and cared about.

Feeling like you belong at school shouldn't be a bonus. It's not something extra we do after the important work is finished. It's the foundation that confidence grows from. It's the soil where curiosity takes root. It's the thing that helps children develop resilience, empathy, and a willingness to take risks.

Achievement matters. Learning matters. Growth matters. But before any of those things can happen, humans need to know that they are part of something. That they are known. That they are valued. That they belong. Because when children feel like they belong, they become brave enough to grow.

And honestly, isn't that true for all of us?